Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Dlav123]

Lets get this started....

I will go first

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'

[kiba]

that was a lame joke.

[Landau14]

That was a good one, kiba

Kidding, but jokes are bad. Especially written. And I can't tell anything cause all the joke I know are offensive...

[Aaron]

A man walks into a bar.....ouch.

[safetypro]

Texas Chili Contest

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 — (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all of the beer…

Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…

Judge # 1 — Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

[torchohanger]

A baby seal walks into a club....


End.

[IronNuts]

http://www.forumspile.com/Thread-I_like_where_this_thread_is_going.jpg

[prod689]

Two medical students were walking along the street
when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.



One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks
just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical
students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't
agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you
think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said:
"I thought It was a fart.......... but I was wrong."



and another one....



One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You ***?" (g-a-y)

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

[orc_dragoon]

okay this guy walks into a bar and he see's these people suronding this horse so he asks the bartender what are they doing and the bartender says there trying to make the horse laugh so he walks over to the horse and takes him out side and brings him back in and he's laughing so the next day he walks in and they are suronding the horse again so he ask's the bartender what are they doing and the bartender says that they are trying to make the horse cry so he walks over to the horse takes him outside and brings him back in and he's crying.

They all ask him how he made the horse laugh and cry and the man say's well to make him laugh i told him my balls were bigger than his and to make him cry i showed him.




sry for spelling

[Aaron]

Two medical students were walking along the street
when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.



One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks
just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical
students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't
agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you
think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said:
"I thought It was a fart.......... but I was wrong."



and another one....



One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You ***?" (g-a-y)

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

LOL @ 2ND ONE ZOMFIG :I

[kwittstruck]

I have a few here,
#1
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the
system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user,
along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow
(see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are
fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors,
are running on most systems, their program code is fast,
compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated
as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.

#2
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."

#3
A cookie recipe worth your time?

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice

4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla


Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat
again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try
another cup ...just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs
and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the
frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets
stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the
Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who gi! veshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

You all have fun and dont drink and drive :)

[SarG3]

Women's rights.


LMFAO ROFL ololololololololololoLLOPLOLOLOLOLOLO!L!O!L!O!LO!L OL!111!O!l










jk. :)

[Aaron]

During their anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The husband replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

[Azwype]

Two psychiatrist are visiting a mental asylum. They walk down the corridor looking throught the little glass windows checking on the patients.
They arrive at one door and look in to see a man leaping left and right swinging his arm. They open the door and ask him what is he doing. They man replies "I'm practicing my tennis swing. I'm not gonna be in here forever."
The doctors travel a little further and look in to see a man alternating throwing out his hands and hopping. They ask him what he is doing. He replies "I'm practicing to be a boxer. I'm not gonna be in here forever."
The psychaiatrist travel down further. The arrive at a door to see an man naked sitting on the edge of his bed. He is balancing a peanut on the tip of his penis and is masterbating furiously. The men ask him what he is doing. The man replies " I'm f**king nuts. I'm never leaving!"

[SarG3]

Dont laugh, the real joke is what you stroke in bed.


XD

[dainbramage]

Joke

The first (and only) to actually make me laugh.


It's the first day of school for the year, and it's just after lunch for the new kindergarten kids on their first day of school.

The teacher asks the children what they did at lunchtime; first she asks Jimmy.

Jimmy says that he played in the sandbox.

"Great!" replies the teacher, "now, if you can write sand on the blackboard, I'll give you a cookie."

So Jimmy walks to the blackboard, writes 'sand', and receives a cookie for his efforts.

Next up, "Tracy, what did you do at lunchtime?"

"I played with Jimmy in the sandbox."

The same routine happens again, culminating in Tracy also receiving a cookie.


Finally, the teacher asks Achmed what he did.

Achmed replies "I tried to play with Jimmy and Tracy in the sandbox, but they threw rocks at me.

This shocks the teacher, who replies: "That's blatant racial discrimination!

If you can write 'blatant racial discrimination' on the blackboard, I'll give you a cookie."

[Aaron]

That....was amazing....:)

[September 28, 1987]

http://forums.d2jsp.org/index.php?showtopic=14609988&f=162

That thread is a joke along with the rest of the site.

[Jinx]

LMFAO, omfg... that's hilarious... roflmfao. I don't think i've ever seen d2JSP kids talking about that. rofl. wait till the guys get a kick out of that.. xD.

[2.0]

http://forums.d2jsp.org/index.php?showtopic=14609988&f=162

That thread is a joke along with the rest of the site.
HOLY ****.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[September 28, 1987]

I'm on page eight. sup? :)

[Dlav123]

angry dragon and angry pirate ehh?Got to try them some time

lol

[Aaron]

What the hell?

[icemanya]

1- If women was good, God had one. And if they where confidence, the devil had no horns

2- do you know what is the inventor more frustrated of the WORLD. It is the inventor of the toilet ... Everyone will S*** in his invention.

3- Mommy, mommy! How is that you are white, daddy is black and I am yellow? -- oh, my son, if you knew the party in the day you were conceibed you should be happy, not
Barking!

4- how we discover if a lawyer is lying? The lips moves up.

[Snowman]

http://forums.d2jsp.org/index.php?showtopic=14609988&f=162

That thread is a joke along with the rest of the site.
ROFLMFAOBBQ... That was the funniest replies i've ever seen xD

and, when i was there: Views: 3190
Thats much!

[Aaron]

The virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

[kwittstruck]

lol Just think of all the kids that this has happened too.
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

[Aaron]

REPOST OR YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!-.- I Hate chain letters.

[yehaw]

Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "**** IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

Billy shakes his head as YES.

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

Billy shakes his head YES.

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he bumps into this lady and his cocker spaniel runs away and asks the lady:

"Could you hold my bum and **** it while I get my cock and spank it"

[Dlav123]

LOL


For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

[kwittstruck]

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
Being a parent of 2 i can relate to how kids can think and what one may say from time to time.
Thats great :D